RIP Bill McLaughlin

I just found out today that my friend is dead.

I am devastated...I can't believe it.

I don't think it's any worse to him at this point, but to me, finding out he killed himself...cut through me in a way I'm not even going to attempt to put into metaphor.

My friend was in pain, and now he's dead.

We had lost touch...probably haven't spoken in two, maybe three years. He got transferred from the place that I used to pass on Rt 17, in Hasbrook Heights, to a place in Passaic that's off the beaten path, for me, so I didn't have the chance to drop in on him in a while. I had a cell phone die an ugly death in the washing machine, so I had lost his phone number...but I always said, no problem...I can get the number for the new place anytime. And I will...I'll call him one of these days, we'll catch up on old times, it'll be great. So today, just by chance, I passed the place that he got transferred to...I passed it before I really realized it, and decided to give a call, rather than stop in. Looked it up on the iPhone, called...

...and found out my friend was in pain...

...and now he's dead.

It's narcissistic to think that I could have made a difference, maybe...but I still can't help but think...I could have helped...if only I'd picked up the phone the day before he'd had enough.

Right now, I hate myself more with every breath I take.

I've done my fair share of fucking things up in my life...I've wrecked relationships, said stupid things to people I care about, lost good gigs, and jobs, and through it all, through the disappointment of doing damage to my own life, I've been able to remain upbeat, even happy. When I've done some good, even happier...but that's beside the point. When things are going wrong, I've always had the ability to let it roll off my back...I get depressed, just like anybody, but it passes reasonably quickly, and I find something to laugh at.

I am not one tenth the person Billy was. He was in the top five of the best human beings I've met in my life. He was relentless about being a good person, even when being just a little loose with it would have benefited him. And yet, in the end, it seems that he didn't have that ability to let it go the way I do...and I can't think of a greater injustice. The world was better off with him in it...and would be better off if I was able to trade myself for Billy...and give him what I have.

I'd do it in a second. In a fucking heartbeat.

Rest in peace, Billy. I thought of you as a brother that I would always meet up with again...I'm better off for having known you, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help.